The Truth

The truth is I’d rather be working the 9-5 shift Monday through Friday. I’d rather occasionally enjoy a week-long vacation rather than feeling guilty for not studying 6 out of the 7 days off.  The truth is that I never wanted school to take over my life in the same way it did as when I got my first bachelors degree.  The truth is I want a life, a marriage, some kids, a steady job, and not to be in school ever again.

I miss the feeling of confidence you get when you know what you’re doing. Things like starting an IV for the first time or breaking an ampule and hoping you don’t cut your fingers off don’t exactly bring about any warm, fuzzy feelings of confidence.

After having a week off, I’m having an incredibly difficult time getting  back into the swing of lab, study, lecture, study, study, study, 1o-hour clinical, and study. It’s been more like lab, lecture, study for a few hours, surf the web, eat a snack, watch Khloe and Lamar, feel guilty about not studying, reminisce for awhile about the days when I was a good student (and thought I was the most brilliant person in the world for getting 4.0s in general education class and psychology classes…*cough* no jobs), surf David’s Bridal for a few bridesmaid dresses, check facebook, feel guilty about all the other people studying their tushes off, start randomly writing in a blog again after not maintaining in it for probably more than a year, and basically anything except studying. Do you know that our townhouse has been spotless for almost 2 weeks now?

I really do want to be a nurse. I know that it is a rewarding and steady job, but I wasn’t prepared for the kind of toughness it requires. I always thought of nurses as nurturing which, hopefully, they are but they also need to be able to study like maniacs, clean patients’ nastiness with a smile on their face (to close the nostrils), jump in and start assessing random people’s bodies (slightly awkward), direct sharp objects into veins while trying not to poke yourself and expose yourself to God-knows-what, dealing with people who think you are their maid or server, and try to keep people alive at crazy hours of night.

The worst issue I have right now is guilt. Guilt about feeling like I should know everything already when I don’t. Guilt over not providing for my fiance and I. Guilt over being in school yet again. Guilt over procrastinating and not studying and not spending time with my family. Basically, I feel guilty a lot.

There are things I can do to make it better. *AHEM* I could realize that no one is going to get me out of this and I need to just sit down and study like, a lot. Like everyday. It would actually make my life easier. I’ve been keeping up with the house by doing and a couple of loads of laundry every 3 days or so and by keeping up with the dishwasher after dinners. I pick up clutter when I can and a vacuum usually on Wednesdays. This is so much easier than doing what I used to do and just saving all that work for Saturdays and being stressed out in a messy house. If I studied regularly I wouldn’t feel guilty and have to cram before tests. This is logical! I can be a lot more logical and less emotional.

Also, I can apply for scholarships so that I feel less guilty about not providing for my family. Only, I should probably work on studying first.

It’s the second semester and I still haven’t accepted that this is my life now.

I’m listening to an old CD that my fiance made for me. It’s actually a series of CDs he made for me that started senior year of high school (when we started dating).  They are called “Comfy”. Anyway, right now it’s playing “Drive” by Incubus.

“Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there with open arms and open eyes”

It may require super glue but I need to open my eyes!

 

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